Leonard's League 15/16 Week Seven

It's time for the Leonard's League Halloween Party!

Not in My Hauschka continued to work her magic, she dressed up as Gandalf for the party and is on a four game win streak.  She went  up against the Canning Queen and started the week by hollering "You Shall Not Pass" to Lamar Miller who ran for 175 yards and brought in 35.60 points.  Devonta Freeman is turning out to be a solid pick up choice for Not in My Hauschka, he only brought in 13 points on 130 yards, but that is still more than either of the Canning Queen's RBs.  The Queen's best player was Jarvis Landry who received 2 TDs and put 21.80 points on the board.  But while Landry had a good game, the rest of the Queen's team looked about as excited as the Canning Queen looked in her Queen costume.

Now that he is officially the pseudo-villain of the League, the Legend is feeling so tough that he wore his Dark Knight costume. The Legend's high scorer, T.Y. Hilton only had 4 catches, but for 150 yards, two TDs and 27 points.  He is firmly on top of the leader board with a 6-1 record and he beat Bobbum Man this week by nearly double.  The Legend isn't the leader this League deserves, but apparently he is the one we need right now.  So we will hunt him.  Because he is currently kicking all of our bobbums.  Speaking of bobbums, Bobbum Man had another rough week, McCown lost the ball twice and the rest of his team is not living up to expectations either.  Bobbum Man is ever the optimist, he knows he is a bad ass and its time for him to save the day.  Hoping for some inspiration he grabbed a paperclip and dressed up as MacGyver.

Victorious Secret left the Eskimo Brothers out in the cold this week.  According to the NFL summary, her star RB Todd Gurley "stayed red hot Sunday", he rushed for 2 TDs and put 28.30 points on the board.  She has moved up to 5th place and she is feeling like hot stuff right now - I think it's going to her head because she showed up as Sriracha sauce to the party.  The Eskimo Brothers have dropped down the list to 7th place.  He has some standout players - Arian Foster (24.50) and Julio Jones (15.20), but they aren't enough when a third of his team scores less than 5 points.  Its a good thing the Eskimo Brothers have the G.O.A.T. at home to keep him confident, he still has all his swagger and to prove that being cold can be hot he dressed up as Ice Cube.

Well this is all wrong.  The Keigl Titans got their first win of the season!  How did that happen?  Apparently she changed the team strategy.  She picked up Zach Ertz, and Rashad Ross, neither of which really helped her out.  Her top players were the Giants Defense (3 interceptions!) and Danny Woodhead's career best 11 receptions on 12 targets and 2 TDs.  Her total wasn't all that impressive, 104.30, but her new strategy is distraction.  She showed up dressed as a Sexy Nurse hoping to distract Herban Fire.  It worked.  Andrew Luck threw for 333 yards and 3 TDs and Allen Robinson (15.80 points), had good games, but everyone else was very excited about the Nurse Keigl's prescription.  Herban Fire showed up dressed as Doritos and the rest of his team may as well have just sat on the couch and ate Doritos for all the good they did for his team.

Bout that Action tries, and she is enthusiastic every week.  Unfortunately it's not unusual for her to lose, especially if Matt Ryan throws 2 interceptions.  She doesn't quite have the execution down, but we love her for busting out the moves and doing the dance every week, she showed up as Carlton for our annual Halloween Party.  The Vinegar Strokes had an interesting week.  He had one player, LeGarrette Blount, get -0.30 points (huge change from last week's 22.40), and his TE Julius Thomas only brought in 0.40. When you look back on that, his performance sucked, kinda like Will Smith's rapping.  But, his QB, Ryan Tannehill had a great game completing 18 of 19 passes for four TDs and the Dolphin's QB led the Vinegar Strokes to Victory.  The Vinegar Strokes celebrated his win by showing up as Will Smith.  Welcome to Miami bitches!

Rozzie Square has moved up to third place, but her team only scored 81.98 points this week.  It really doesn't seem fair, it's like she's cheating.  She's been spending too much time in New England, she is picking up bad habits and she even showed up to the Halloween party as Tom Brady.  Ugg.  Even with her deflated score she still managed to beat Clitboner by more than double.  Clitboner scored a spectacularly low 39.10 points.  He started four players on their bye week.  I'd say that's a pretty big error.  Just like his costume.

Happy Halloween!!

Leonard's League 15/16 Week Six

You know what I realized this morning?  I haven't talked about rankings AT ALL this season.  Lets fix it...and just like Meghan Trainor says:  Leonard's League: "every inch of you is perfect from the bottom to the top".   So we start at the bottom.

#12:  I actually called the authorities last week and did a wellness check on the Kiegl Titans.  And by "authorities" I mean Rozzie Square and by "wellness check" I mean make sure she still likes us.  She does!  All is well over there and the Kiegl Titans' new strategy "is to lose every game".  Her strategy is working great, she is 0-6 and she lost spectacularly to The Vinegar Strokes this week 124.42 to 66.80.  Good thing she has DeMarco Murray, with 109 rushing yards, 14 receiving yards and a TD, he single handedly pulled in 27% of her points.

#11:  Bobbum Man has struggled this season.  His team has consistently underscored projections. He has some great players, but nobody delivers on game day.  This week he lost 64.10 to 112.80 to Not in my Hauschka.  Carlos Hyde had 23 touches and turned them into 60 yards.  Melvin Gordon (who looks like a baby Predator in his NFL mugshot) got 29 yards, fumbled, and hurt his ankle.  This is what Bobbum Man has dealt with all season. 

#10:  Last season Clitboner was dead last, so 10 is an improvement.  He continues to start Joique Bell who hasn't been active for three weeks.  TJ Yeldon was in his starting lineup and he was out with an ankle injury.  Good news though, Marshawn Lynch is back in action!  But his 11.40 points stayed on Clitboner's bench.  He is up two spots this season, but there is plenty of room for improvement.

#9:  Canning Queen took down Clitboner last week 99.26 to 91.44.  This was good for her, she needed the win, as it is the only thing that put her above Clitboner in the rankings.  She is currently 2-4 but playoffs could still be in her sites.  Her players have been all over the map, she doesn't have a consistent high scorer - Martavis Bryant, Jarvis Landry, Jeremy Hill, or Eli Manning all have the potential to put up big numbers, now if only they would!

#8:  Bout that Action is holding down the first slot in the elite eight.  She suffered a difficult loss to the Eskimo Brothers 101.20 to 114.44.  Losing by 5 points sucks, especially when your Defense (Seattle) and your QB (Matt Ryan) easily had the potential to make up the difference.  She is dealing with the same problem Bobbum Man has, under performance by good players.  The potential is there just not the execution.  It's like....that really sad runner who passes out in just before the finish line of the marathon...you want them to make it but you kind of want to roll your eyes and drop them from your lineup because YOU COULDN'T MAKE IT 10 MORE FEET?!!

#7:  The Vinegar Strokes dominated the Kiegl Titans, earned the top score of the week (124.42) and moved up to 7th, it looks like he finally got a piece of the pie.  He's got a 3-3 record and if LeGarrette Blount has more games like he did last week, 1 receiving TD, 93 yards and a rushing TD - he could continue his upward momentum.  Movin' on up!  To the eastside, to a deluxe apartment in the sky!

#6:  Victorious Secret made a huge drop this week from 3rd to 6th.  That's a major bummer, but it shows how important each week is - and shows that the potential for folks to be Movin' on up!  It was a tough week for her RB and WR lineup, her best performer of the week was Justin Forsett with 10.10 points, everyone else was under 8.50.  The Secret is currently in a mid-season cleanse, she's made some changes to her starting lineup, benching Vincent Jackson and Todd Gurley for Rishard Matthews and Mike Wallace.  She needs to continue the process with her team so she can reach lineup Nirvana.

#5:  Firmly seated at 5th place, the Eskimo Brothers are flying under the radar, but he is still in solid playoff territory.  He just barely edged out his better half (Bout That Action) this week.  Let's not forget that the Eskimo Brothers are the reigning champion of Leonard's League.  His quiet life in 5th place is does not mean he should be ignored.  He's got a 4-2 record, the Denver Defense (more than 26 points in the last two weeks) and he listens obsessively to football radio.  I think one of the announcers must be his Eskimo Brother.

#4:  Rozzie Square won the league two years ago.  She dive bombed last season, and this year she seems to be rallying.  Does performance in  Leonard's League for Rozzie Square skip a season?  Like male-pattern baldness (see week four)?  Well, this looks like her season, as she is rocking 4th place even though she suffered a loss to Herban Fire this week.  It was just an off week for her guys - Frank Gore (9.40), Isaiah Crowell (4.10), Jeremy Maclin (4.80) and Larry Fitzgerald (9.30) are all more than capable of putting up higher numbers on the board, and they just might.

#3:  Not in my Hauschka is in third.  I'd like to be first, but I can accept the bronze a little less than halfway through the season.  It gives me something to reach for and helps me avoid complacency.  Not too shabby for someone who had to look up "TE, and the difference between "WR", RB" and "WR/RB" when she started the league.  Not in my Hauschka dominated Bobbum Man this week, but he kinda liked it.  Not in my Hauschka won the side bet for 2 footrubs, a regulator and a steel 80 (dive gear).  Bobbum's side of the bet was a new pair of all mountain tele skis...things escalated in the Schafer house - last year this bet was for the first round at the Elk!

#2:  Herban Fire is on a terrifying win streak - 5 in a row!  His high scorer for week 6, DeAndre Hopkins got almost 150 receiving yards.  Whoo!  150!  He won his week 6 match against Rozzie Square 121.68 to 83.86 - a beating so bad that the NFL recap claims he slapped her.  Herban Fire, please report to HR, we don't condone that kind of treatment of our teammates.  Oh?  It was just a crick in your wrist?  Carry on then.

#1:  The Legend is...a bit of a Legend.  He has a 5-1 record, the most points scored this season (634.16), and he is currently on a 3 game win streak.  However, as the owner of Greg Olsen (who scored the TD for the Panthers on Sunday) he is entirely responsible for the Seahawks loss.  He may be good at this Fantasy Football business, but he is a villain.  He is the guy you love to hate, like Loki, Cruella De Vil, or Hans Gruber.

The Seahawks have the Thursday Night Football Game against the evil 49ers at 5:25 tonight.  GO HAWKS!

Leonard's League 15/16 Week Five

I'm feeling overwhelmed.  Like I have so much on my plate that I'm not doing any of it well.  But at the same time, I'm showing up and accomplishing things.  I feel like I should get some recognition (aside from the amazing support from Bobbum Man - thanks Babe!).  After all, when we were kids we got awards for everything, "participation ribbons" being the most useless form of recognition.  In that spirit - and in the spirit of the Queen of Afternoon television....

Not in My Hauschka wins the "Beauty Pageant Writing Award", because I wrote this blog.  And it seems appropriate.  Did you know that when I was 18 I entered a Beauty Pageant - they call it a scholarship competition but it involved formal wear on stage - and...I WON.  The writing competition.  Yes, I entered a Beauty Pageant and won the writing competition.  Take that bitches.  Speaking of taking it, Clitboner took a righteous 41.22 point loss this week to Not in My Hauschka.  Devonta Freeman may have a hurt toe, but it didn't stop him from bringing in 25.70 points for Hauschka!  Clitboner had two players bring him the big "O".  He must have a hard time focusing, either that or he is addicted to his "O" face, it will be interesting when he plays the Vinegar Strokes.  Anyway Clitboner gets the "O-face Award"

Victorious Secret is victorious again!  This time against Bobbum Man.  The Secret was trailing Bobbum Man until Sunday afternoon when she pulled ahead with the Ravens Justin Forsett bringing in 121 rushing yards, a TD and 49 receiving yards; then Tom Brady decided to complete 20/27 passes for 275 yards 2 TDs and when that wasn't enough he decided to rush for another one himself.  For this she gets the "Overkill Award".  The problem for Bobbum Man was that his team was front loaded, he only had Carlos Hyde and Steve Johnson playing post Sunday afternoon.  And they just didn't have enough left in them to bring his score up to The Secret's level, in fact Steve Johnson didn't have anything at all.  But the Bobbum Man is a positive guy and he is taking this loss in stride, he wins the "Optimist Award".




In a Lovers Quarrel Herban Fire defeated the Canning Queen.  It was a close, fairly low scoring match (68.04 to 82.36) in which Herban Fire maintained the lead all week.  He had solid showings from his core WR/RB lineup, David Johnson (2 TDs), DeAndre Hopkins (169 yards) and Allen Robinson (2 TDs).  Poor Canning Queen gave it a try but she could never could get ahead.  Her best performer was The Lesser Manning (Eli), with a killer 441 passing yards.  It was her birthday though, Happy Birthday!!  And I hear she got a selfie stick.  I didn't hear much from Herban Fire or the Queen about this match, apparently the selfie stick has a remote and the angles are amazing.  Congratulations you two - you share the "Amazing Angle Award".

The Legend's star RB, Le'Veon Bell had his third superior performance in a row with 111 rushing yards, a TD and 16 receiving yards.  On Wednesday before the first game of the week The Legend dropped Dez Bryant to pick up Kendall Wright, then 8 hours later changed his mind and reversed the decision.  Not really sure what that was all about, maybe it was an attempt to distract his opponent, you know like a magic trick.  The Legend wins the "Distraction Award", but he didn't really need it up against Bout That Action who was our low scorer of the week.  The Seahawks Defense was her single biggest contributor with 16.90 points, unfortunately for her and the Hawks, it wasn't enough for the win.  Six of Bout that Actions nine players scored 6 points or below.  Ouch!  Maybe she forget what sport we were playing - this is Fantasy Football, not Fantasy Golf, congratulations on your "Caddyshack Award".

Rozzie Square and The Vinegar Strokes faced off in what looked like an easy win for Mr. Vinegar.  While Andy Dalton looked good against the Seahawks (damnit!), unfortunately Donte Moncrief caught 33% of his targets for a meager 3 yards, and his tight end Owen Daniels, missed all 5 of his targets bringing home zero points.  The Vinegar Strokes get the "Finishers Award".  It wasn't pretty but he finished.  Good job.  Rozzie Square picked up Alex Smith for the game against The Vinegar Strokes and his total (10.34) wasn't super impressive but it was enough for her to get over the 100 point mark and turn her season into 4-1 with a 4 game winning streak, congratulations you get the "Streaker Award".

The Eskimo Brothers faced the Kiegl Titans in a surprisingly close game.  The Eskimo Brothers won 98.34 to 77.18.  No giant standouts for the Eskimo Brothers, except maybe the Broncos Defense with  4 sacks and an interception for 26.80 points.  The Eskimo Brothers earn the "Just Made it Award", as this game was much closer than he wanted it to be.  The Kiegl Titans have the makings of a great team - DeMarco Murray (20 carries for 83 yards and 7/8 targets for 37 yards) and  Danny Woodhead who rushed/caught a total of 77 yards.  But the Titans left their Kicker spot empty and have under performance in QB, WR and TE slots.  I don't think she is suddenly bad at this Fantasy Football thing, she is just hiding.  Like a ninja.  The Kiegl Titans are going to hit us when we least expect it - they get the "Ninja Award".

Leonard's League 15/16 Week Four

Hi Leonard's League!  This is our very first weekly update by a guest writer, thanks to Bobbum Man for hooking us up this week!

Ok everyone, this week’s Leonard’s League, Week 4 update, is brought to you by Josh ‘Bobbum Man’ Schafer. Last year, while most likely drunk, I told ‘Not in my Hauschka’ (wife) that I would write one of these this year. So… here we go. 

Fee, Fie, foe, fum, the End are Near at thou Bobbum. Time me open Bobbum Van trunk for ruin Bobbum wif Equipmunk… Nope! Bobbum Man continues to suck with a 12.78 (74.36 to 87.14) point loss to Bout that Action. Bout that Action put Bobbum Man’s dirty Equipmunk in the wash with 16.8 points from Ronnie Hillman, 12.8 points from Brandon Marshall and an unbelievable 16 points from kicker Chandler Catanzaro. 16 points out of a kicker? Bullshit! Maybe Aaron Rodgers will actually show up next week and crest the 20 point mark for Bobbum Man. Either way, he will need to figure out how to get more points from his players. Bout that Action will quietly start next week in the number 5 position.

Evidently Victorious Secret couldn’t keep everything in and some of the secret flopped out. This allowed Not in my Hauschka to sneak-up-behind-her-and-take-her Quran… or…  I mean... WINNING RECORD.  Dude you have no winning record, you have no record. Despite going into Monday Night’s game in the lead, with an impressive showing from Philip Rivers, Justin Forsett, Mike Wallace & Martellus Bennett with 24.22, 15, 14.3 & 14.3 points respectively, it wasn’t enough to keep little Steven Hauschka from pulling down 11 during Monday Night Football. Two 50+ yard FG’s out of Hauschka sealed the deal for Not in my Hauschka and she pulled away at the end with a 2.68 point lead (104.9 to 102.22).

Herban Fire & Clitboner…    Herban Fire & Clitboner…    Clitboner…                Clitboner…

I have a mental image of what I think a Clitboner looks like. I get the feeling, from a guy’s perspective, it’s pretty awesome. Not sure what a chick would think about it, but I’m guessing once that occurs, all is well. Apparently Herban Fire knew just what to look for and how to handle ‘it’, because after Mondays game, the wad was blown. Had Marshawn Lynch shown up to play, things may have gone different, but with 15.7 from the Jets (yes the Jets), 15.7 from DeAndre Hopkins (who totally Yobogoya'd? see definition in Yobogoya's summary on this post) and 14.5 from Jamaal Charles (the only Jamaal with two A’s), Clitboner needed to be rock-solid with his team in order to finish first, he wasn’t. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

The Vinegar Strokes got to that point, couldn’t stop, and left Canning Queen on her own to finish second. Even with Doug Martin on the bench with 20.30, Vinegar Strokes pulled off the “W”. Andy Dalton threw for 18.44, Mark Ingram pulled down 12.8, Giovani Bernard mustered 12.8 and the Rams killed it with 20.30. Hard to compete with those numbers. Even with impressive numbers from Eli at 17.28, 25.8 from Javis Landry and 22.8 out of the Dolphins, Canning Queen couldn’t keep the Strokes from prevailing. She will need crank up the pressure cooker to seal some wins.

The Keigl Titans keigl strength couldn’t prevent the Legend from slipping in and dominating for the win. With a 31.3 point loss, the Titans continue their losing streak; having only three players showing up this week. Drew Brees threw for 19.36, Danny Woodhead (WTF is Danny Woodhead?) ran for 13.8 & Ted Ginn managed a respectable 14.3 points. Not too bad, but not good enough to prevent the Legend’s Tyrod Tayor 12.46, Adrian Peterson 15.4, Le’Veon Bell 21,  Keenan Allen 13.7 and the Panthers 21.10 from loosening things up. Maybe it’s time for a new mascot?

Not being from Massachusetts, I’m unfamiliar with Rozzie Square – so I Googled it. Unfortunately, Google isn’t too familiar with it either so I wasn’t able to gain sufficient knowledge in order to make fun of it, or relate it to anything. I did find a picture if this guy (pretty sure that’s a skullet) … MA’s finest?

That said, Rozzie Square finished up the week with a big fat “W”, continuing her 3 game winning streak. Eskimo Brothers may need to get on the EBDB and see if some of his brothers can help him with his team. Maybe that guy from MA can help… With the exception of Travis Benjamin, 12 points and the Broncos 15.70 points, no one really showed up… Going to be hard to hang onto the GOAT when you put points up like that. Especially when Rozzie Square gets 12.5 points from Isaiah Crowell, 14.80 from Jeremy Maclin and 12 from Adam Vinatieri. Sold win Square!

Victorious Secret loss this week ended what could have been a nice little run. However, with 4 players in the 3-1 positon and 5 players in the 2-2 position, it’s still anyone’s game. Looking forward to seeing how the week progresses… better go check your teams! Thursday Night is here!